4x4 Drivers

Don't read this if you own a 4x4

Nothing pisses me off more than the suburban idiots driving around in their massive, brand-spanking new, shiny 4-wheel-drive cars. If there was just one reason - just one - to justify the complete and absolute annihilation of all humanity, the rise of the suburban 4x4 driver would be it.

Why WHY WHY do rich housewives insist on taxi-ing their offspring around in Range Rovers - or Landcruisers - or Mitsibushi Shoguns - or Jeep Cherokees? Because they feel safe knowing that the small fortune they have spent on private school fees is less likely to be all for nothing if the little darlings get their lives threatened in a car accident.

"Isn't the view just really great from up here? I feel so safe driving now!"

The thing that really twists my melon though - is that it becomes a slippery slope - the problem just gets exacurbated, because all the people who don't have 4x4s are now wishing they did, so they can feel safe too, because: "GOODNESS ME, there are an awful load of 4x4s on the road nowadays aren't there?"

They would really hate to get hit by one. Maybe they should trade in their BMW for a 4x4 too? Sure, you would be PRETTY F****D if you were driving around in a normal car and got hit by a 4x4. But I'd like to see just how safe these yuppie toys would be if they were involved in a collision with a concrete wall: "Hey, maybe we should buy a car something that has crumple zones to absorb impact instead".

And here's a another reason why people get four-wheel drive cars: "to go off-the-road and get away from it all - you know - de-stress and all that". F*****G BULLSHIT! These are the same plonkers who take their yuppie tractors through the Safeway automatic car-wash twice a week. The closest most four-wheel-drive owners have ever come to driving off-the-road is the puddle they went through yesterday on their way to golf. They are too busy working all hours God sends to pay for their darling children's mobile phone bills to join a real off-the-road driving club, although they still have time to get thrilled by watching TV adverts of four-wheel drive cars raping the wilderness of deserts and forests.

The worst thing is the utter and sheer evil arrogance of 4x4 drivers. Like they think that they own the f***ing road - just because they ride 50cm higher then everybody else and guzzle twice the amount of petrol.

If I was the Prime Minister I'd be making it my absolute mission to pass a LAW that requires 4x4 owners to pass a personality test: i.e. if you can't prove that you are not a self-obsessed idiot, it would actually be illegal for you to own a 4x4.

It's no accident that Pajero means wanker in Spanish.

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Other "rants" that I will one day "rave" on about when I get the time:
  • People who can't drive their supermarket trolleys properly. (Trolley-rage)

  • The never-ending "nesting" of "legal disclaimers" at the bottom of email messages.

  • People who print off their emails - like they aren't "real" unless they're on paper.

  • The criminal cost of replacement inkjet printer cartridges.

  • People who park their cars on the zig-zags outside schools to pick-up or drop off their kids.

  • Footballers who "fist" and "punch" in displays of severe aggression when they score goals.

  • The growing number of cars with that "blueish" glare from headlamps at night.

  • Drivers who make it a religion to drive as close as possible to the centre-line of the road.

  • Motorway drivers who always drive in the middle-lane - no matter what.

  • Motorway drivers who "undertake" the above sort of driver - just to prove the point.

  • The blatantly inconsiderate people who wear massive ruckskacks on the tube.

  • People who carry those long umbrellas and don't know that they are an injury hazard.

  • The "walkway separator rails" at Tottenham Court Road tube station.

  • People on the bus or tube who play "snake" on their Nokia with the volume switched on.

  • The patronising automatic queue management system at main Post Offices.

  • People who ring your mobile repeatedly - despite you hanging-up when you're busy.

  • Senior managers who type emails all in lowercase without proper spelling or punctuation.

  • People who put up websites dedicated with pictures of their cat, dog or horse etc.